I close my eyes and say this in hopes that you can hear and know these words are true.
I have been scared before - often right before I am about to do something that is outside my comfort zone or something I have no clue what I am about to do or get myself into. But more often than not it always turns out into something pretty darn good even great. I am almost addicted to that rush of being scared - I kind of crave it and long for it because it always the start of an adventure and more often than not leads me to feeling the most alive.
I use to think so and so has it better or I wish I could be her or him. I have even thought that person should choose me when it coems to being with someone. Pretty cocky I know - don't worry I was knocked back to ground level and yes the fall made me put my head on straight and fill it with common sense enough hopefully so it never happens again. I have been there thinking the grass is greenier. BUT the truth is its as green as YOU make it. Simple as that. So Spend more time watering your grass and less time trying to water others is what I am learning.
What I have found is sometimes you don't realize you are such a person or living such a life until someone one day calls you on it. Talk about being slapped back into reality - sometimes we have no clue what we are doing to another...until we take the time to truly listen - hearing such words can be well tough. really tough but I am open to hearing them because I know I am not perfect - I am human will make mistakes and as much as I try not too I will hurt others. But I also want the strength to realize that I can do better that I can change and grow from my failures and mistakes. I want to live a life that I am truly proud of - and not just the perfect kind of life...I don't want that one at all. But a life that is filled with growth learning and changes. One that I am open to hearing feedback and making changes in my life to do better after hearing that feedback. Its never too late to begin again.
I hope I never out grow my love for exploring. I hope I never find a day when I am bored in nature. I hope I am always able to lose myself to the trees water and rock. Nothing is better when it comes to me than being outside discovering exploring and learning not just about nature not just about life but learning about myself as well.
This I believe to be true. The life tends to take you where you are meant to be not where you want to be. Sometimes I wonder about the way it takes me there but in the end it does make sense.
No bragging here but I would like to say that I pick wisely...well most of the time however every once in a while I pick someone that is a drainer and well they are not a joy. Times like that I wish I was strong and I could just drop them - but well I sometimes get this thought in my head that I could save them or change them - lame and not good I know. What do you do. What I know is that I strive to be the kind of person that inspires not drains others.
This I am still working on. So I tend to have to read this over and over and over when I find myself in such positions. I am still learning to make those words my own. Its something I struggle with deeply but I am learning. Its a slow process but i still am doing the work. I stumble I fall I tend to have to start from the beginning in such a process but I have not given up on it just yet. I am learning to be gentle with myself and I am learning to forgive myself and not be so hard on myself. I am learning that its ok to say...you deserve better it doens't make you a self centered selfish person. LIke I said I am still working on this.
I am not out to live the perfect life. I am not out to please people with each move I make. I am not here to be judged by others on how I live my life. I am here to be a good person - a person that stands up for what is right. A person who is kind and doesn't judge. A person who understands and forgives. A person that owns up to their mistakes and failures. A person who says I am sorry and means it. I strive to be a person who is grounded in themself and doesn't have time to gossip. I strive to be someone that tells and speaks the truth as well as able to accept just that from others. I strive to be the person that I am to each and every one I meet and know and cross paths with. That is straight forward and open. Where there is not a doubt of who I am and what I stand for.
If you are anyhting like me - when I don't want to learn or accpet things they keep following me around. Almost in a way of letting me know you better deal with me because I am not going away. Ya I can be stubborn like that - refusing to let certain things teach me what I am suppose to know so I can grow. I can be real stubborn but I am also wise enough to know that even I can't escape that nothing just goes away until I do in fact learn what I am suppose to know from it.
I am unsure why people are ashamed of their darkness. I am not sure why people hide and pretend they - we all don't have it. I am not sure why its always hush hush hush - that its ok to be happy to smile to laugh to enjoy in the public eye but when it comes to sorrow frowns tears and hard stuff we feel we must do it alone. Darkness is nothing to be ashamed of or fear for that matter. I don't think we would know the value of happiness if we didn't have it and well its only in the dark we can see the stars. Darkness isn't my favorite place to be but I do realize I need it to grow as a person I need to have hard times even if I would rather go without - its how we learn how we grow and how we become.
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